A letter to you

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Hello.
I hope you have been doing well.
Like I’ve always hoped you have been.

Two years ago today,
We were crying our eyes out because you wanted to break up with me.
After a teary battle,
you decided not to give me up.
I decided to never leave you.
You promised you would never abandon me.
I promised I would never give up on you.

And I never did.

I still love you.
I admit,
I still do.
I still miss your company.
Your hugs and kisses.
Your smell.
Your presence right beside me.

Every day I’d wonder;
How’d you do.
How was school?
Was there anything I could do to make you feel better?

And every day I’d flip through mental copies of our memories.
What we did together.
What we laughed at,
what we spoke and debated,
what we ate together.

Every now and then,
I’d break down from losing you.
Every time I miss you,
I lose you all over again.
I can’t help it.
I still do.

The only thing I could do,
is leave.
And pray that some day,
it would dawn on you,
the value of what I did for you.

I gave up everything for you.

My dreams.
Ambitions.
Pride.
Respect.
Self-worth.
Value.
Principles.

I gave up my time.
I never needed to work,
but you wanted a penthouse.

I turned into nothing,
for you.
You claimed I was dominating you.

I went through a life-threatening surgery,
for you.
Because I was too fat.

I became your sex slave,
for you.

I became your tool.

“I like weak-weak girls.”
I remembered you saying.

So I turned weak.
I didn’t care what changes meant to me as long as I can make you happy.

I turned worthless.
So worthless you’d prefer a prostitute than me.

I turned depressed.
Depressed that a prostitute is better than me.

I gave up my rights.
Gave up fighting for what a person should fight for.

I lied to myself.
I never listened to my instincts just to keep trusting your lies that I kept uncovering.

But you still left me.

I decided to change.
Decided to upgrade myself into a prostitute so that you would take another look at me.

I didn’t do it,
after all.

How could I have done it,
when after you have hacked and slashed at my dying spirit and still asked me to fuck off?
I was bathing in my sorrow.
Blood seething through my teeth.
Too crippled to even crawl.
Too devastated that the one I’d take a bullet for is the one behind the trigger.
You left me when I needed you the most.

“Nights <3”
You sent that to somebody you never knew for more than three days.
You told me it's gay to be sending "<3" so I never asked you to be sweet-texting me.
I was blamed for being insecure.

"I would never fall for people this young one la please la"
Then you told me you had fallen for one of them.
I was blamed for never keeping to my words.

"I'll stay single forever"
"Who can bear being single forever?"
I was blamed for being ironic.

"I don't want to commit to a relationship"
You chased her like crazy.

"I go look for prostitute also none of your business"
I was nothing more than that.

I still want you after all of that,
I admit.
After all you have dealt me with.
Because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart that still cares.
Because not loving you is not within my means.
Many times even,
I've reached the stage of cutting myself,
but then again stopped before I would worry my family.

I am thankful for those who were there.
Who have tried to join me on my journey but gave up trying to change the direction I was heading.
Who have stood themselves in my shoes and were empathetic.
Who have been convincing me that I deserve better.

No.
I don't.
I am worse than a prostitute.

I am nothing more than nothing.

Now.
I understand what you meant when you said I'm a horrible person.

I don't deserve to be alive.

Thank you for showing me.
How worthless I truly am.
To be losing you to somebody who never deserved you.
To be losing my value to a prostitute.
To be losing respect to someone who I loved the most.
To be losing trust in everyone.

This time,
I'll keep to my words.
I'll stay single forever.

I love you.

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Hilariously yours.

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Hi all!
Apparently this is my 800th post -pops confetti-

Anyways,
Sorry for the lack of updates.
Life’s been hectic.
Busy and whatnot,
Finally decided on a permanent Monday off which my boss initially offered.
Otherwise I think I’d die haha!

It’s surprising how many places I write in,
Mainly in my -cough- new iPhone -cough-
Not exactly new being a secondhand set and all,
But well it’s good.
Better than my 3GS of course.
A 4S with 64gb,
I can write until I cry.

Thankfully for my boss’s phone line,
I have free 3G.
HAHAHAHA.
Which also explains why I now prefer to talk to people on LINE and Facebook now.

Back to topic,
Work has been crazy.
And yes,
I’ve decided to take up an agent license.
And there’re a lot of milestones I have to conquer.

Good news and bad news,
though.
I’ve people supporting me and people who,
of course,
are giving up on me.
Nonetheless,
I will persevere though this ordeal,
No matter what it takes.
This has always been my belief and spirit,
and nobody can change that.
I will achieve my dream.

I hereby sincerely thank all that have been supporting me throughout my hardship during the darkest of my times,
those who gave up on me and those who never did.
I would like all of you to know that none of your efforts are wasted.
Every single word expressed has been and will always be carved deep into my heart and mind.

You guys know who you are.
(;

Peace out.

Post-post

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Hi guise .
Long time no see I guess .

Just some stuff I have to blab about ,
let it off my chest whatsoever .

To me ,
You have always been my hero .
The one who was there for me ,
When I need you .
It proved and moved me a lot ,
When I quarreled with my mum the other time ,
And I left my phone in the room .
You were on the other end .
I came back 40 minutes later ,
And you were still there .

I knew ,
You were the one I can always count on .

I didn’t know how to express my gratitude .
I didn’t know what to say .
I was at a loss for words ;
I was really touched .
And thankful that my decision wasn’t wrong .

Now ,
I don’t know what to say .
Because I thought my hero could do better ,
Because I didn’t realise sending me to the bus stop could cost him a limb ,
I kept asking for more .
I wasn’t satisfied .
And I got sad .
Angry .
And suspicious to whether he truly loved me .

I took a step back .
I see now that he really did .
I took him as what he appeared to me :
Superhuman .
But I forgot ,
Heroes need to rest too .

I’m sorry for hurting you .
I truly am .

Exit

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Hi guise .
Long time no update .

Just some rants I have to go through .

First of all ,
I guess .
No matter how much I’d hate to admit it ,
We’re done .
Over .

I won’t be able to love another guy like how I loved you .

Secondly ,
Yes .
I loved you too much .
I admit .

Thirdly ,
I really wished we could last forever .
Although everyone around me asked me not to be stupid and just let you go ,
I still held on .
I still wanted us to work out .
Cause we loved with our might .
But we made mistakes .
Thus we’re this way now .

It’s too late ,
Like you said .
And I really believe everything you said .
But you don’t know what I know …

I’m moving on ,
Really .
But I need your help .
Really …

None

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What should I say ?
I feel so maligned ,
So miserable .
So sad that all of the efforts I made to change myself into the dream girl you want has not been recognized .
You sleep in the past ,
You insisted I’ve not changed .
You left .

What can I say ?
For you to realise what I’ve done ?
More for the errors I’ve made ?
I could never love anyone more than I loved you .

But things changed .
I see it now .
I see now that it has been a trap since that day .
That you have been wanting to leave since the death-threat .
No matter what ,
You wanted out .

And because I was being sensitive ,
I was being insecure .
I was being who I’m supposed to be :
a girl .

You hated me being so manly ,
yet you were so in love with me .
Once I started turning girly ,
you want to leave me .

What can I say ?

Post School

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Okay first blog post since revival of my computer .

Graduation ceremony today ,
had some fun .
Can’t really bear to leave actually ,
but meh .
Good while it lasted !

Probably go down to visit them some day .
/rubs hands

So-so-so-scandalous

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Sup people .
Long time no update cause both my desktop and laptop decided to die on me on New Year’s .
HAPPY 2013 MY ASS >_>

Well aside from the fact that I have to throw up a lot of money on getting my own computers back ,
things have been fun so far during the first two weeks of 2013 .
Not bad at all .

Did another face up for Jin ,
fiercer cause of the fucken green eyes ,
gonna make him a little more towards stern instead IF the brown eyes manage to reach me .

7th week jobless due to the house ,
80% done I should say .
Next week the contractor’s a-comin’ .

Pretty much good news from old bro ATJK ,
who managed to clinch the job I introduced to him .
Congrats bro !!!

And well recently since the year started I’ve been chasing up on KO.One II .
KO series are another part of my life just like how the Pokeymans are faring .
Speaking of which ,
I need to save up for a 3DS .
XY are releasing October so well I guess a pretty nice time frame .
IF I stay in my current job of course .

And yes ,
I’ll be starting work week after next ,
So …
Goodbye freedom ):

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